Why now..? (KAD BLOG #2)
The looming question.. why did I decide that NOW is the time to explore and discover my culture, and WHY did it take me 28 years?
Without getting bogged down in platitudes (thank you SAT class for that one)- it comes down to a lack of representation in media, a lack of education and exposure to the culture, and a lack of a sphere of influence in the asian world when I was growing up. Recently- I have been struggling with an identity crisis where I really feel like I’m truly missing a huge part of what makes me, well, “me”. I feel like I have missed out on an amazing culture for 28 years and AAPI month this year (2023) and getting the chance to represent not only Asian Americans, but KAD’s at the Nashville Soccer Club Game for 28,000 People really made me want to make the jump and dive into something, that quite frankly- has freaked me out the last good few years. I was honestly scared that my birth parents wouldn’t want to see me, or even want to know who, or where I am. But I realized through this whole process- that even if they don’t want to connect with me- that is absolutely OK. I am on this journey for my own closure and my own culture “awakening” of sorts. I would really regret not trying as after I heard other KAD’s success stories- you never truly know what you will find.
I also recognize that my birth parents are ageing and If they DO want to re-connect- I have a finite amount of time to actually make contact and give them time to process meeting their birth child they put up for adoption.
Thoughts on Birth Parents maybe not wanting to meet me?
This definitely has crossed my mind more times than not. I have come to terms with the fact that they may not ever want to see me- and this is totally OK. I recognize how hard it must have been for my parents to make the decision and sign the papers to relinquish rights to a baby you carried to term for 9 months. I also recognize they wanted the best for me and they truly gave me the best chance to flourish (which I am!). So, while dissapointed if this happens- I will not hold this against them
What is one thing I want to tell them if I do make contact?:
Simply, I do not hold anything against them and I love them so much- and i respect the heck out of them for making the hard decision to let me go.
Also, Now seems to be the best time (2023) before seriously beginning my 30’s and getting really settled down and getting really engrossed in my career(s), family life, and more.
Conclusion thoughts: Now is the time- mentally I’m ready for whatever the future has to hold and I’m so excited to explore the other half of my background. No matter what the outcome- I will be at peace knowing that I gave it my all and really explored everything as much as I could. I can’t live my life with the regret of “what if”.
Nashville Soccer Club VS. Inter-Miami 5.17.23
