Adoption & Loss: KAD Blog #3
We all know life happens- life is unpredictable and we never truly know when our last breath will be. This last weekend I went to my Uncle Tony's celebration of life and funeral. He was one heck of a role model to me growing up, and acted as a "second father" of sorts. We were at his house every other weekend when I was little and he lived life the way I believe that sets an example for everyone on this earth. He was family oriented- gave his children, and extended family someone to call home. He always thought of the positive and never let anything bring him down. If there was a will- there was ALWAYS a way forward, and he never gave partial effort to anything he did. Uncle Tony passed away on May 23rd, 2023 after a long fight with cancer- and the loss of him really made me think hard about what loss feels like and what life truly is about.
The reason I bring up Uncle Tony's passing was because it made me critically think about what loss we adoptee's experience growing up and the parallels to other forms of loss. What I want to explore is what we can use our loss for, instead of dwelling on the pain; how to use the pain and make the process constructive rather than destructive.
The loss we, as adoptees experience is something only we can truly understand- as is losing a parent, etc. However, the adoptee loss is very muted and holistic rather than a moment in time where the loved one passes away. With the passing of my uncle- we had a celebration of life, time talking to all of the cousins, son, daughter, aunts, and uncles; which helps us heal and move forward into acceptance. With the adoptee experience, our loss is isolated to within our own experience and only truly effects us as human beings. I believe once we begin the journey of unpacking our own losses- we must seek some form of community to help us grasp the un-fathomable levels of grief we will unfortunately experience.
Uncle Tony's passing also made me think critically about what living a full life truly means. He lived a life full of passion, he gave his kids the childhood that he never had, he was a truly great role model to everyone and never "half assed" anything. I think we can learn a thing or two from how he lived and recognize how short life can be. Living every single day and giving 100% to whatever you decide to do is the only way to truly "live". Living in the moment and truly being present wherever you are and whoever you are talking with. Uncle Tony passed away at the young age of 62 years old, which was way too young and cut too short. This sort of close loss has really made me think about how to live like every day could be my last- we never know what is around the corner.
No matter how you look at it, adoption begins with a loss. Loss of blood, extended family, culture, and more. Loss is what I, as an adoptee got used to as I was growing up. I rejected my culture because of the unfathomable pain I experienced growing up knowing a part of me was missing. I was just too young to really put into words what I was feeling- but no matter what I did to try and fill the hole (relationships, friends, food, drugs, alcohol, etc); I still felt a hole in my heart and I didn't know what it was from.
As I got older, I tried to think of everything with gratitude- I should be thankful that I was "saved", had opportunities that I never would have with my birth parents. Thankful that I was out of the "bad situation" and my birth parents just couldn't handle taking care of me. This "band-aided" the issue of loss long enough for me to get through most of my twenties without thinking about it too much. It actually wasn't until very recently where I felt like I needed to explore what I feel loss means to me. I'm still grateful for everything- don't get me wrong; but to discount the level of pain we experience in the loss of not only our birth family- but also heritage, culture, language, possible sibilings and extended family, health history, food, drink, birth country and more. We can be thankful for what we have, but also recognize and talk about the loss of plethoras of amazing other things.
Adoptee loss is a very multi-faceted sort of loss that is hard for people outside of the diaspora to fully understand; which is why I find it to be important to breach the subject. I've noticed in my day-to-day interactions with people who ask about adoption to not really understand the depth of the loss that we go through. While only adoptees can understand fully the grief we go through; I believe we can use our loss to be more empathetic, kind, loving and understanding of the loss of others in a way no one else can. We can use our lived experience to help one another get through the hardest of times- that is a constructive use!
While there are definite parallels with all sorts of loss, and one sort of loss doesn't outweigh or discount another- we can all relate to one another that loss is something we all have to go through as humans on this planet. If we treat each other with kindness and try to understand the pain and grief we all go through- the world will be a more empathetic place.
Rest in peace, Tony Vallone… Gone too soon.
